Little stresses add up in a hurry

Today I called off a seven year friendship. That was the easy part of my day.

When people ask me how I am doing my response is always "fine". I've come to realize that my response is a result of how I think I should be from a spectator's view and not my own. From the outside I shouldn't have any complaints. I have a car, a good job, a free roof over my head, and friends and family that love me.

It wasn't until now that I see how those things really affect me. My car makes strange noises and I don't trust it to be reliable, I keep messing up at my job and I am probably being too hard on myself, but I keep feeling like a failure. I have way too many moments during my work day where I see the instant message being typed that will tell me what I did wrong. I tense every time I see the instant messenger pop up. As for my living situation, I don't pay rent, but I think the constantly fighting parents is a worse price to pay. I say I am planning to move out, but the idea is terrifying. What if everyone is right? What if I can't survive the bills and living on my own? I'm starting to wonder if my friends even understand me. As I type now my hands are shaking because I am in the middle of my first fight with my best friend. I feel like we are in such different places in our lives that no one gets what I am going through. My family doesn't understand who I am and what I stand for. They think I am going to become a party girl and get pregnant or something, which couldn't be any further from the truth.

All of these things, while I don't always consciously think about them, are weighing down on me. It's true I still have spurts of happiness, but the rest of the time just seems to be grey and pointless. I come home from work and don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I don't want to put in the effort because there doesn't seem to be a point. I'll admit that I don't help around the house like I should, but when I did things weren't better either.

With the scribble of a pen

It's incredible what one can do with only a pen and paper. With the right combination of 26 letters you can take a journey to another world filled with endless possibility. Words can fill you with emotions that you would think impossible from such simple symbols. You come to love fictional characters so easily and find yourself sharing their happiness and sorrows. Others twist you in knots because of their close proximity to reality. They are not good or evil, but an ever tilting scale trying to find a balance between the two. We see in them our own struggles and can not help but feel compassion for them. Their fictional woes can give us physical pain. Their triumphs bring smiles to our faces. Their stories bring us hope for our own lives.

Words are more powerful than we could ever know. Having the ability to use them to take others on unforgettable journeys and to bring characters alive is a gift that needs to be cherished and nourished. Remember that scribbles can take you anywhere and the flip of a page has the possibility to change your life.

Grow Up!

People keep telling me to grow up. They say it straight to my face. They say it with what they think to be sly comments. They say it with their looks when I make a corny joke. All around me I am being told to give up my youth and "grow up".

The fact is I don't want to.

I'm not saying it as a spoiled child who doesn't want to work for the things they get or have to go out and function in the real world. To me, the meaning of growing up has changed. I will gladly face the responsibilities that come with being adult. What I will not accept is the loss of a spark for life that I have seen in far too many who are "grown up". I will not give up my sense of wonder about the world and the possibilities it holds for me. I will always love coloring, laughing, singing, dancing, joking, and of course all things Disney.

I have known so many people who have "grown up" and forgotten what it is like to let loose and have good old-fashioned fun. It's as if they don't remember the joys of being a kid. Don't get me wrong, I know that life is stressful and you can't always do what you want to. I just don't see the need to forget all of the things that made you so happy for those that you think you should do.

Of course there is a time and place for everything, but I don't think childish antics have to or should be forgotten. For the most part we were all so happy as children so why not hold on to that feeling and bring that optimism with us into the adult world. We all need to take a breather and remember that life doesn't have to be so serious.

Black Hole of Self Pity

It's funny how much time we waste in our lives feeling sorry for ourselves.

I like to lay around and mope just as much as the next person, but lately I find myself doing it more and more. Every one of us have been wronged and felt the need to curl up in a ball of self pity with heaps of blankets, ice cream, and Full House reruns. As I sit in my hotel room, listening to the ocean crash upon the shore in a mesmerizing hum, I realize how self damaging these actions are. I have once again overreacted to a small comment made by my sister and to punish her, and wallow in self pity, I have gone to sleep on the couch. Wow, I sure have showed her.

Yes, I have a right to feel hurt by things, but feeling sorry for myself gets me nowhere. I waste so much time being angry that I miss out on having fun. I'm not punishing my "wrong doers". I end up punishing myself and regretting it later. When I catch myself moping I find it hard to snap out of it. My self pity is a black hole that keeps pulling me in deeper and deeper. It is so easy for me to find reasons to let myself be sucked in that I justify my actions. When others try to pull me out of my stupor I refuse to allow it. I feel that if I move on it's as if I was wrong for feeling hurt in the first place.

The time is now

The time to apply to transfer schools has come. You would think that previously going through the college application process would make this round less stressful. Unfortunately this is not the case. Not even close.

I have no idea where I will be in a year or what I will be doing and that terrifies me. Life was so easy in high school when you knew that you would be in the same place in a year: going to the same school, living in the same house, same surroundings. Now my future is an unknown. The only reason I have to go forward is so that I'm not standing still. I'm so jealous of my fellow classmates who know what they want to do and where they want to go. They can base their college search on majors, location, prestige, and clubs. I base my choices on application fees, the cost of sending transcripts to a bunch of schools, proximity to home, and my chances of getting financial aid.

There isn't a school that is calling to me. I've never been good at making decisions and this situation is no exception. I haven't ever really had options so I just try to make the best of what others choose for me. I can't see myself going away for college. I can't see myself staying at home. I wish time would stand still and give me more time to try to figure out my life. But life doesn't work that way so I am just along for the ride. It's a lot like Magic Mountain at Disneyland. You are in the dark and don't know what to expect. The sudden turns jerk you around and all you can do is try to anticipate where you will go next and lean into it.

I'm so tired...

Just when I think I am on top of everything, reality hits.

I hate it when I think I did well on a test and then my grade has something completely different to say. And to top it off, my phone decided to call it quits today. In the last week I have lost all of my motivation. I am so tired of everything. I just want to curl up in a blanket and never get out of bed again. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm feeling like there is no point in anything right now because it's not getting me anywhere in life. I am in a state of just being instead of living.

Nothing is what I expect it to be at the moment. My historian position is not going to work out like I thought it would, my fun plans aren't seeming to work out, and my job is getting so exhausting. Even as I sit down to write this I thought some of my stress would go away, but I just feel zoned out. I guess that means this is it for tonight. I will go to bed only to wake up to another monotonous day.

As Ke$ha would say, procrastination is my drug

I stayed after school yesterday to study and was feeling really good about being productive. And then without thinking I came home, sat on the couch, and turned the TV on. It took me a bit to realize "Hey! I'm not supposed to be watching TV!" I have formed habits for a very unproductive lifestyle and those habits are going to be tough to break.

Between watching old shows like Bonanza and M.A.S.H, watching Disney Classics (I have an addiction), and marathoning Chuck and Doctor Who (also HUGE addictions. It doesn't help that I own every episode of each), I leave myself no time for studying. I have tried to do my homework while watching TV, but who am I kidding. Before I know it I have gone through a season of Doctor Who and I'm lucky if I have half of my homework done.

Today in Mass Media my teacher passed out a paper to log the amount of TV we watch this weekend and said that we would be watching part of a show tomorrow in class. She jokingly apologized for anyone that was doing an experiment and not watching TV at the moment. Little did she know, it kind of applies to me. Oh well! I can force myself to watch TV for educational purposes.

I have achieved one small goal so far though. Amazingly enough, I am typing this at my desk! Gasp! I found about 7 packs of gum, a pack of mustache straws (Don't ask...), and countless bobby pin so that's good. Now I actually have a place to do my homework so that should make it a little bit easier.

Anyway, I need to study for my Bio exam tomorrow. I have to work tonight so now is the time.