Today I called off a seven year friendship. That was the easy part of my day.
When people ask me how I am doing my response is always "fine". I've come to realize that my response is a result of how I think I should be from a spectator's view and not my own. From the outside I shouldn't have any complaints. I have a car, a good job, a free roof over my head, and friends and family that love me.
It wasn't until now that I see how those things really affect me. My car makes strange noises and I don't trust it to be reliable, I keep messing up at my job and I am probably being too hard on myself, but I keep feeling like a failure. I have way too many moments during my work day where I see the instant message being typed that will tell me what I did wrong. I tense every time I see the instant messenger pop up. As for my living situation, I don't pay rent, but I think the constantly fighting parents is a worse price to pay. I say I am planning to move out, but the idea is terrifying. What if everyone is right? What if I can't survive the bills and living on my own? I'm starting to wonder if my friends even understand me. As I type now my hands are shaking because I am in the middle of my first fight with my best friend. I feel like we are in such different places in our lives that no one gets what I am going through. My family doesn't understand who I am and what I stand for. They think I am going to become a party girl and get pregnant or something, which couldn't be any further from the truth.
All of these things, while I don't always consciously think about them, are weighing down on me. It's true I still have spurts of happiness, but the rest of the time just seems to be grey and pointless. I come home from work and don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I don't want to put in the effort because there doesn't seem to be a point. I'll admit that I don't help around the house like I should, but when I did things weren't better either.
